I miss my dance

Thought busy school life will kill my dancing feet, but nope, dancing feet always find their way back to haunt me.

I want to give up dancing feet because I know it's not my purpose for life, or what I'm good at. I thought it's not worth my time. I see it not having any important virtue in my life. But above all, they still constantly coming back to visit me, making my feet tape in class and during test. I still write in my dance journal even though I no longer dance. Why? If I've given up this one thing, how is it finding its way back to me?

Dance is too peculiar for an emotionless brain to annualized. My brain, which can see through the engineering of an electrical system, and the construction of buildings, can hardly know why I'm haunted by things I love. In the first, why am I suppose to explain why I love what I love? I can't. I can't explain why am I know living in a parallel universe.

So is dancing a potion, or a poison to me? How much of it I can allow?

Life and Family

Finally have a couple of down time for me time. Tomorrow the maarathon will continue. This AE major, is not easy. And I still haven't start my assignment for my minor class. whoops.

(and when I mean down time, it means doing homework while watchting TV/listening to music. With tons of snacks and ice-cream, of course.)

This me time let me to have some time thinking about family. friends who are my friends, and my family. For any one who knows my family, me and my parents immigrate to U.S., hoping maybe our relatives in the state can become closer than when we were on the other side of the planet. But what's broken in the childhood is too hard to fix after 30-40 years of independance . The tension made years before only deepens when the relationships rebirth. Bitterness returns. It is not easy to share lives together again. Differences in our lives drove my family away from me. Call it generation gap, or whatever, but putting the old-schooled with the youngsters or the liberals, cold war will be on its way.

Maybe the good things of traditional family values have diminished in my family. Traditional culture recalls spending time together, every other week, is a must. Where I grew up as a child, busy corporate lifestyle took time away from my parents and my extended family member. Among their own families, jobs, hobbies, and stuff, union with blood family is simply limited to holidays, at the dinner table. Social is a bonus.

My mom thought its important for all of us to spend unity time outside of the dinning room, so she organized one or two family trips to the zoo. All of us were there. Those two days, taught me who's my uncle more than all the meals we had together. I got to see my grandpa smile, which is a rare thing. Family time, has kingdom values.

I guess we can't have it all while we are still on this earth. I would like to know my family is build with support from our blood family, but that's not the case. I admit my childhood was a good one, thou I also know the 3 of us are quite isolated from our blood family. I never missed it until I see my friends sob over the death of their grandparents/aunt/cousins. And I can never understand how to love someone as my siblings. I suppose I envy those who know siblings rivalry.

How will I learn to love someone not like me? If our difference drove my family away, how do I learn to love those who are not like me? As my strength is not caring or loving. I suppose my strength in connectedness, analytically, restorative, activator, command (strength finder test) is important for this finding family journey, but I don't know how for the moment.

not perfect...

That hope promising a heavenly place where everything is going to reflect God's glory? Well knowing that just ache every moment I'm living, because I can tell where I'm living and what life I'm living isn't of that standard. For one, studying feels suicidal, school workload seems like murder etc. For two, I'm not at a place to understand my friends outside of my major where there is still greater need than trying to sleep for an extra half hour.

The later might kills more. Cz if I were to understand why one of my depression friends is at a low point again, be in her shoe, I won't have to try to help her, I will just go help her without judging her for being weak. If I understood community life the struggle in group work won't be what we call "a mess". If I understood that my other friend wants carrying from me more than I want her carrying, our relationship will be better.

for someone who's blind to love, there is too much love out there.

How to love (with small things) when life is busy like hell?

Then fall back to sinful nature, schedule/dead lines/studying/self interest dominates one's life. A 60 hr/wk study schedule is simply not allowing room for anything else. What have I gotten myself into? part my fault (for signing up for all that), part not my fault (what doesn't kill you makes you better, they said). Try not to have these things hold against you, right?

My point is, rather than asking for sympathy for me, how should I reverse it, just for myself? cz obviously by reversing my neighbors won't have to suffer for my sake, find something relationship between you with me. I know I don't do this in my life.

March Madness

its the crazy time of year. loads of fun, loads of work, and loads of stress. When I loss something, it means I'm exhausted work and things. So far i manage to loss my key. Again. I loss counts of how many times I did that, causing incontinence to my life.

the weather is nice and the sun is shining bright.

Then again,the world don't cease to turn.

Too much pressure is building upon other pressure.

Lets hope there will be enough money/time/energy/brain for all that is going on.

Oh! Gravity!

Gravity, by the law of physics, is so important to everyone’s daily life. With gravity, you can know for sure that your phone, watch, cup, backpack, and your alarm clock are at where you left them last night. With gravity you can drink water out of a bottle (without the liquid floating all over the place..). my Arch. Engr. Perspective tells me that gravity holds your house down… so it won’t float in space. That’s pretty important right? Gravity is… essential to normal life. This gravity we live by is called G force, it pulls us to the center of the earth. Literally. It grounds us to the ground we are on.

I think, this G force gravity, not only ground us to the ground physically, sometimes even mentally. Not literally, but you will see what I mean. We are humans, we need to live on food, shelter, cloths, stuff etc. This bounds our thoughts on things in front of us, we think about our survival needs. When I look at my day to day life, I see that I often live life following the G force law. I am grounded to the earth, and think about what I need to do to survive and thrive as a human being.

It’s not a bad life. After all, how are we supposed to maintain a normal life if this fundamental physics law is not true I didn’t think there is otherwise either, until I met Dave.

Dave does everything differently. A father of 5 kids, with a wife as a homeschool teacher, they don’t live with too much. They have the basic, food, shelter and cloths, but there isn’t too much leftover. They have one car, one TV, and one bathroom. I don’t even know does any of his kid have an iPod as presents. But when he finds out someone has a financial problem, he jumps right in to help. When someone needs to talk, he is there. When someone wants to play basketball, he is there. I mean, Dave is qualified to be my grandpa, and he plays basketball with my peer (and make better shots too). When someone needs love, he gives it unconditionally. He lives like his needs are not more important than your needs. What a selfless man. Anyone knows him know having Dave as a friend is like having an angel in your contact list. He doesn’t boast how different his life is, he just simply said it’s the life God made for him. So he “happens” to be a Christian, but it’s not the title “Christian” he is living by. He lives by the Jesus gravity, the kind that grounds him to the center of Jesus heart.

The Jesus gravity, or J force, does exactly what G force gravity does, except with a totally different direction. In a way, it looks so radical, so out of nowhere from here, but it is absolutely safe, grounded as it can be from there. The life of Christian is never about fitting in, and it can look too freaky, or too scary. Well, that is true, if you are viewing it from the G force perspective. When you are living by the J force, this lifestyle comments by the man himself is the safest, most harmony kind of life.

So how do you go from here to there? That is a question of your willingness, I still am praying for that.

I was so young, I had no idea... III

you should only have one home on earth at once... try not to divide up my thoughts and energy for two places is alot easier on myself.